Here we go...

As I write this, I have had enough. 

I'm fed up of my physical appearance, and I'm to blame for that. 

As of this moment, I'm going to channel the energy of my feelings of upset and anger and everything else and become determined to become more healthy and start eating right and looking after myself.

In the past I have done mini water challenges, drinking nothing but water and the results from that alone have always been positive, at first it's difficult but soon after I start feeling better mentally and feeling better physical, having more energy and not being as tired, so I just need to focus on how that felt to start that all again. No soft drinks, just water. Start eating healthy, have sandwiches instead of a big cooked unhealthy dinner, stop getting crappy fatty breakfasts and have cereal or other healthy equivalent. Not only will it make me more healthy, it will save money too (double win). 

So hopefully this will last more than a few days, ideally months if not indefinite.

Here's to the future, onwards and upwards.

Planting seeds

All that it takes these days is for someone to plant a seed and before you know it, it's grown into a massive plant, consuming everything on its way.

As you'll probably guess, I've done it again. Someone mentioned I may have a chance with someone and at first I shrugged it off because she'd never go for me but that was the seed planted firmly in my head right there and then. Since then it's been growing day by day and with the increased amount of time I've seen her recently it's just boosted the growth. 

Yeah she's lovely and amazing, but I know nothing is going to happen because of the way she's acting (and not replying...).

It's got to the stage where I'm feeling rather down because of it and it's annoys me because I want to be able to stop and just be mates and it not make me feel this way but sadly I can not. 

My fear is that I've scared her away too because of it and I really hope I've not because I don't want to make things awkward. And because of that lingering in my mind too, I'm rather annoyed at my mate for planting the seed.

Memories

Everything is simply a memory. 

That's all that things become. In the past, and a memory. 

One year ago, I was in a situation where I like someone and they didn't like me but I was taking to them everyday and we were great mates. Now, I don't like her that way and we don't really speak at all. Yet what was going through my mind back then was completely different. 

Going back 6/7 months I liked someone else and things were looking good, we were talking a lot, she actually said she liked me (the way I liked her) and things did happen (nothing serious) but I scared her away. Now I don't like her that way anymore and we don't really speak either, but I do miss her, and I miss the friendship. 

That's what I always miss more, the friendships. 

I start talking to someone I like and then we become quite good mates, but then I scare them away and then I'm left alone again, simply to start the cycle again. 

Life is brilliant like that, it's great...

If you think something is too good to be true, then chances are it isnt. 

A message. From me, to me.

Hello.

I know in a few weeks or days or months I'm going to come back and read this, I always like to go back and read what my thoughts once were.

So me, what ever you're going through right now, what ever that may be, it'll be irrelevant in a few weeks, it won't matter so don't get so worked up over it.

Time will go quick, it's been 2 months since I last wrote in this, 4 months since the panto situation...at this moment I'm still not over that, but I've come to accept it no matter how much it does pain me. 

What I'm trying to say is that nothing lasts, nothing is permanent so don't get too worked up, but don't feel to safe either because things can change in a millisecond...

Stay strong. Keep your chin up. Breathe. Move forward. Only glance behind to reflect not get upset over. 

Everything will be ok in the end. It always is, we always make it through.

Memories. We meet again.

Once again I've made myself feel down because I was thinking about memories and past things. 

I'm pathetic. So very pathetic. 

I need to truly accept the fact that it's all in the past, it can't be changed, nothing will happen, she's talking to someone who appears to be making her happy and smile and I should be happy that she is. 

I often think that if I keep telling myself something then I'll believe it. I know for a fact I am not over the person I had a thing for over Christmas and was rather close with, but it didn't mean anything to her and I just need to forget it all. 

Except I can't. 

It, to me, was amazing. Being close and intimate to someone, kinda feeling like the feelings where mutual, only for it to just be friends and not lead anywhere. I knew this at the time but part of me kept thinking something could happen from it, 

but it never did.

I just need to forget it. 

I tried moving on to someone else but we don't even talk so it isn't worth it, she's amazing too but we just speak in person which is good, but it isn't leading anywhere. A lost cause maybe?

There was also another one who I talk to and get on with quite well, but that can't work for other reasons...

I just need to forget everything and give up. Forget relationships, forget trying to impress people. Just focus on myself. 

I've spent enough of my life being selfless, maybe it's time to be more selfish?

Who knows. 

Only time will tell.

Untitled. Again.

Right now, at this current moment in time;

20:45 24/01/2016

I currently feel;

Shit

Unhappy

Unwanted

Not needed

Crap

A failure

Not going anywhere

Pathetic

Stupid

Awkward

Socially Challenged

Out of place

Hated

Hatred

Upset

And, the worst part about feeling all that?

I don't know why. 

Part of me thinks that it is because I don't help myself by dwelling on facts I can't change. Taking things way out of proportion like the fact I'm single, and that every time, every single time, that I get close to someone, I get friend zoned or thrown a side. But ultimately I do not know. And this really annoys me because I have a job (for now), my family are healthy and well, as for my self, I have people I can turn to in times of need, I have a roof over my head, I have a few friends I can trust and a few friends I can spend time with, I have a hobby which I enjoy, I am not in (too much) debt (it's controlled...), I have food, I have water.

I know people who are much more disadvantaged than myself, people homeless and people without family etc, and this upsets me the most because here I am complaining about my life when I should be thankful, and I am thankful for it, it's just at this particular moment in time I feel shit. I want to change this, I'm fed up of putting on a brave face and pretending I'm ok when I'm really not. There are people who I wish I could talk to this about but they don't understand. There are some people who have said I can talk to them about anything, and I wish I could but our current situation prevents that.

I don't want to make this another post about me complaining about being single but all I want right now is to be able to cuddle up next to someone who cares for me, even just a long hug, probably a good cry too. I just want that, is that too much to ask for?

My current contract at work is ending in July, and the chances of a renewal are very very slim. And although I act like it doesn't bother me much and I'll find another job, it scares me, it scares me a lot. Being unable to drive is a massive dis-advantage, for finding another job is possible but it won't be local, and won't be easy to get there.

I often think about how much I pretend to be someone else, someone happy, like nothing bothers them, but in doing so I don't really know who I am anymore. I am just another existence pretending to be someone I'm not.

I get stressed to easily, sometimes I can't take the pressure, sometimes people piss me off. I wish I didn't, I am a horrible person to be around and I am truly sorry to everyone, I wish I wasn't and I do try but nothing works. I never used to be like this and I don't know how or when it happened.

I don't even know what I want to do in life anymore, I'm 19 and having to make a big career choice now, do I follow what I used to have a massive passion for? Do I make my hobby and permanent job? Do I go freelance and hope for the best? Do I change sector and work elsewhere? Do I stay in the industry but change role?

I do not know. I honestly haven't a clue.

People say I'm good at what I do but I don't specialise enough, I am too much of a swing and generic bitch.

That's all I really am in life. 

A bitch.

A female dog.

Is this what I've become? I haven't got many skills. I try my hand in different things and get the jist of it but never fully like others.

Do I try to go on? Is it worth it?

Should I end it all?

As much as I don't want to admit it, I have been having suicidal thoughts far to much recently. And it scares me. I would never commit, but my thoughts have been swinging to it too much for my liking. I know everyone has there ways of dealing with pain and I appreciate that. Some cut, some hit, some cry, some commit. 

For me? I don't know.

It could be this blog? This blog I originally started when on a visit to my great great great uncle in Newcastle many years ago when I felt abit down, that I have started to use more and more to get things off my chest.

Maybe I should see a counsellor? But I don't think I could. That's why I write this.

I'm scared. Genuinely scared, I don't know what to do. I know that when I awake in the morning I will have to go to work and pretend to be ok, something that is becoming harder and harder to do each day. I find I am becoming more angry and thinking violent thoughts more, which is not what I want.

I feel like I need time away

away from everything. 

away from everyone

away from the Internet

a nice holiday on a beach somewhere

alone

with nothing to do

except relax

But then I would have to return and it would all be the same.

I want people to be able to read this, but I know it will upset people and I don't want that to happen, I don't want people to be upset because of or over me, I am an existence that should not be worried over, as I always say, I'll get through it. 

I've seen a quote floating around the Internet from Robin Williams (RIP);

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.

And I can honestly say it is one of truest things, and is so relevant to me.

Untitled

I can't do this anymore, I can't handle the jealousy or the awkwardness. I can't handle it going nowhere with all the little hints that probably aren't hints. I can't do it. I give up, throwing the towel in.

The only thing left to do is to forget and move on.

If only it were that easy.