Here we go again...

So it's after Halloween and all the sexy costumes have gone away again and I've found my self attracted to someone and I think I've fallen for them. Now the only problem is its an inappropriate one.

Not inappropriate as in she's too young, more older. (My friend described her as a cougar...) but she's very nice and I'm attracted to her...

Now she's not older as in like 50, she's quite young but older than me...and that's what makes it inappropriate...

So that's what's new with me! More feelings and fallings...still no hope though....

Oh it's the single life for me.

Yippie!

I genuinely do not know

I don't know how I do it. 

I'm currently sat here writing this, my head full of thoughts and I feel like absolute crap, and I will do in the morning when I get up, all while I get dressed and on the bus to work I'll feel crap too, but as soon as I get to work, somehow I find the strength to hide it all and act all happy like there's nothing wrong, but there is.

There is most definitely something wrong. But I don't know what it is.

There's times when I think I can't be bothered doing what I do anymore, get a boring office job, 9 to 5, get a decent camera take some nice photos, maybe be a freelance photographer in the evenings and weekends, get out of theatre, but at the same time I want to own my own theatre and run it, employ my friends and great people that I know, be a boss, be in charge. 

But I can't leave my line of work.

I have no qualifications. 

I've shot my self in the foot getting this apprenticeship. 

Yeah it's great and I love it, but if something goes horribly wrong and I can't do my job anymore then I'm stuck with no A levels or degrees and just a NVQ in technical theatre. Which isn't much good if I can't do technical theatre. 

So yeah. 

Better not fuck up I suppose.

(Famous last words)

The end of the run

As my long back to back run of shows finishes I actually stood and watched the audience from the box of my last show, all the couples chatting happily, all the friends supporting their friends in the show. Some of the dancers talking to thier family getting supported, the lovers being all lovey, and I stood there, the one thing running through my mind;

I'll probably never be in that situation. 

And it hurt. 

Rather badly

At the moment I became more aware than usual of all the couples in love and the friends hanging out and all I could think was that I'll never be able to do that probably. I'm far too busy, I genuinely have no idea how I have been functioning these past 4 or 5 weeks of back to back shows, I am physically and more or less mentally exhausted, I don't know how much more my body can take of it. 

But the thing is, I enjoy doing what I do.

All be it minus the fact I probably won't have a relationship for a very long time unless I find someone who properly understands the situation, better yet some in the same line of work but I know that doesn't always work out how it should. 

I've often thought a fellow crew member or dancer/actress would be a good choice but it doesn't work like that. I'm afraid of getting close to people in the fear that I'll get emotionally attached and then that'll just make it worse for me, but I want to have a relationship. 

I miss the compassion, the romance, everything. Yeah I've only had one relationship and yeah it wasn't very good but you know, you learn from your past. 

I've already said on here what I'd like to do of I was in a relationship but I just don't have the time. 

Now I know I shouldn't complain too much because I'm already doing the job I want to do etc. and some of my friends will have a much harder time getting into a relationship than me so all in all I should just get a grip and go and do more shows. 

If only I could switch my emotions off. 

That would be better. 

Priority Purchases

I used to think that if I buy things it'll improve my quality of life and make things easier for me, and in a way it does, however, I keep buying the wrong things, Im buying for now, and not for the future.

There are several things that I have bought which have been for the future such as a decent high spec laptop, and a decent phone which will last me a while, but other than that, the other stuff I have purchased, and Im on about the expensive stuff as well as the cheaper stuff, I've bought because I wanted it and thought that it'll help me with daily tasks. Now that's all fine, but before I purchase them I think yeah thats a good idea buy that. So I do. Then when I actually have them I think, so how is this going to help me?

I need to learn to save.

I need to purchase more important things, such as driving lessons or a car, I need to save up for insurance too!

My main aim is to get driving which will make things so much easier but because Im impatient with buying things I find it difficult to do so, I tried saving up once to put some money aside for driving lessons, and then I spent it on something that wasn't as important and now I have not benefitted from that at all.

I need a way of keeping track of my goal and motivation to actually do it. I need to put money aside each month to build up my savings, not buy now and regret later.

But this is going to be difficult, and I know I have the strength and will power to do so if I put my mind to it, but Im struggling to put my mind to it at the moment...

Organisation

If there's one thing that I think is necessary in life, it's organisation.

My life currently isn't organised, which bothers me. My bedroom is messy and unorganised, my study isn't organised, my priorities aren't in order, I keep planning things out in my head but don't do them, which bothers me.

My morning routine varies each day, I need to try and make sure that I get in order and have the same thing every day. Even on weekends. Just like my night time routine, I need to organise it all.

My wardrobe needs organising and my clothes sorting (and being found)

My study is a mess and I don't know where anything is, I had sorted out my letter trays into different things the other week but they're all messed up and mixed up.


I suppose, it'll be easier to say what I want than explain what's wrong...

I'd like to be able to get up in the morning the first time my alarm goes off, get a shower, then get dressed and sort my hair and then my bag. Then I'd grab some breakfast, preferably cereal, then make something for my lunch before having a brew and reading the news on my iPad, before calmly leaving to get the bus to work.

Then after work I'd like to be able to come home, get changed into something more comfortable than my work clothes, and then get a brew and sort my bag out before either having my tea or sorting some work out. After tea I'd go into my study and sort some stuff out depending on what I've got to do before getting ready for bed and then finally getting into bed and being able to fall asleep near instantly.



Because, if I'm honest, right now even though I may seem happy on the outside I won't be truly happy or beat peace with myself until every thing is organised at home.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome back...."

Hmm

Hello I suppose?

I'm back

Again

Unfortunately 

Where do I begin?

Well the past 2 months or so since my last post, a lot has happened, I still love the girl I used to, I actually did tell her I liked her and she said that I couldn't get rid of her that easily and that made me love her even more, I've done the annual pantomime with some great people, I went to a party on New Year's Eve and got a bit drunk, that was fun, I've still got my job and I'm saving up for a new phone, and today, 

Well,

Today, the girl I like text me, and it brought back loads of memories and feelings and well,

I feel shite right now

I really miss her

I just want a hug

God I'm so pathetic

If she saw this she'd never talk to me again

Ever