I genuinely do not know

I don't know how I do it. 

I'm currently sat here writing this, my head full of thoughts and I feel like absolute crap, and I will do in the morning when I get up, all while I get dressed and on the bus to work I'll feel crap too, but as soon as I get to work, somehow I find the strength to hide it all and act all happy like there's nothing wrong, but there is.

There is most definitely something wrong. But I don't know what it is.

There's times when I think I can't be bothered doing what I do anymore, get a boring office job, 9 to 5, get a decent camera take some nice photos, maybe be a freelance photographer in the evenings and weekends, get out of theatre, but at the same time I want to own my own theatre and run it, employ my friends and great people that I know, be a boss, be in charge. 

But I can't leave my line of work.

I have no qualifications. 

I've shot my self in the foot getting this apprenticeship. 

Yeah it's great and I love it, but if something goes horribly wrong and I can't do my job anymore then I'm stuck with no A levels or degrees and just a NVQ in technical theatre. Which isn't much good if I can't do technical theatre. 

So yeah. 

Better not fuck up I suppose.

(Famous last words)