The end of the run

As my long back to back run of shows finishes I actually stood and watched the audience from the box of my last show, all the couples chatting happily, all the friends supporting their friends in the show. Some of the dancers talking to thier family getting supported, the lovers being all lovey, and I stood there, the one thing running through my mind;

I'll probably never be in that situation. 

And it hurt. 

Rather badly

At the moment I became more aware than usual of all the couples in love and the friends hanging out and all I could think was that I'll never be able to do that probably. I'm far too busy, I genuinely have no idea how I have been functioning these past 4 or 5 weeks of back to back shows, I am physically and more or less mentally exhausted, I don't know how much more my body can take of it. 

But the thing is, I enjoy doing what I do.

All be it minus the fact I probably won't have a relationship for a very long time unless I find someone who properly understands the situation, better yet some in the same line of work but I know that doesn't always work out how it should. 

I've often thought a fellow crew member or dancer/actress would be a good choice but it doesn't work like that. I'm afraid of getting close to people in the fear that I'll get emotionally attached and then that'll just make it worse for me, but I want to have a relationship. 

I miss the compassion, the romance, everything. Yeah I've only had one relationship and yeah it wasn't very good but you know, you learn from your past. 

I've already said on here what I'd like to do of I was in a relationship but I just don't have the time. 

Now I know I shouldn't complain too much because I'm already doing the job I want to do etc. and some of my friends will have a much harder time getting into a relationship than me so all in all I should just get a grip and go and do more shows. 

If only I could switch my emotions off. 

That would be better.