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I can't do this anymore, I can't handle the jealousy or the awkwardness. I can't handle it going nowhere with all the little hints that probably aren't hints. I can't do it. I give up, throwing the towel in.

The only thing left to do is to forget and move on.

If only it were that easy. 

Here we go again.

After taking some time to look back at my old blog posts I have come to a conclusion. 

I am pathetic. 

After being single for the past 3 years and getting rejected time and time again, things that used to make me worry and hurt inside now mean nothing and literally have no effect on me. And that makes me worry. 

As always, I've moved on and like someone else again, and it was going good we were talking and it was great. The thing is, as always, she doesn't like me the way I like her, and despite this we have kissed (yes, we really have, hard to believe I know) several times but the kissing doesn't mean anything. She often says to me that she's not the relationship kind of girl and isn't looking for one, but then to others will complain about being single....now that used to hurt in the past, but this has happened so many times now it just means nothing.

I've also committed the number one sin, I've changed myself for her. As in, new haircut (completely restyled) and even got different clothing. And despite this, all of which she recommended, still nothing. 

Now I could be over thinking or over reacting and something could still happen, as Noah didn't build the ark in a day, but after being used to so much rejection and so many no's it's hard to keep the faith and keep trying. 

We're currently working on a panto together and I worry for 2 days time when it's over, because everything will probably grind to a halt between us, despite the fact we've both said we're great friends and wouldn't want to loose each other (yes I know I am in the friend zone, as always). 

I just don't know what to do anymore, I've tried everything and I've tried ignoring feelings completely but nothing works, and I'm fed up of saying to people "I'm fine" when inside I'm dying, or when she says something and then says sorry to me after about it because she thinks it hurt my feelings and I say "don't be silly it's fine" when what's really happened is she's ripped my heart out and jumped on it a few times...

I can't cope anymore, it's all getting too much for me to handle

A seed

There's nothing worse than someone planting a seed in your mind, as it will just continue to grow and grow and grow. 

Once again, I've made a mistake and fallen for someone (I know, I moved on quick...) and it's not good because she likes someone else and is practically with them, and she also moves away to uni at the end of this week.

It's not good because we get on so well and I don't feel awkward around her and it's just not good.

So once again, I am a bloody idiot. 

The inevitable

So the inevitable happened. 

The girl I used to like and thought was so perfect and amazing, well I don't have the same feelings for her as I used too. 

I've just read my last post now and it feels like such a long time ago since things were so good between the two of us but recently things have seemed different and tense. Mostly it is probably my fault. 

I don't know how long I've not liked her, it is only recently, but it feels so strange, so weird that feelings I once had are now virtually nond existent. 

As I lay here in bed thinking about my life and everything, I currently feel nothing. Not happy. Not sad. Not angry nor upset. It just isn't right. I never thought this day would come when I wrote this post, I honestly thought that it was different with her. But no. How stupid of me. 

In my 19 years and 5 days of life, I have been in a relationship for 6 months of it. And that's one girl. I honestly don't know why I bother anymore. I start getting feelings for someone and get attached and then I'll think I may have a chance when I really don't. It is upsetting, and stressful, but that's life. 

If life was easy we would all be bored with nothing to do and nothing to work forward too.

From me, to you.

As I lay here on bed on a windy Sunday afternoon, I can't help but think that literally 3 months ago, I hadn't ever thought about you the way I do now. You just another person I knew. 

But then I started to like you, and I began to see how beautiful you actually are, and we stated talking a little bit, not much, but a bit. And then I told you I liked you, and to this day I do not know why I did it. But I did. And although I regretted it at first. I do not at all now. 

After I told you it was a bit awkward between us but gradually we started talking more and more, and although I know you do not like me back the way I like you, we have (in my opinion) become quite close, and I really trust you and feel I can talk to you about anything. All in all, you are bloody amazing. 

There are days when I feel down because 

I really like you and you don't like me back. I get jealous a lot of the time, not only of others being closer to you than me but of others who are in a relationship or about to be, and I am especially jealous of those people who like each other but are afraid to take it further than friends. I wish that me and you could could be more than we are now but I know you don't want that. And I fully respect that and you.

You once asked me why I liked you, and told someone that you didn't understand why I liked you because I didn't really know you. And yes you were correct, I didn't know you personally, I had just seen you around. 

But I had seen your dedication to your work, your enthusiasm, your work ethic, how beautiful you really are. I'm so glad that we are talking as mates now because you are even more amazing than I had originally thought.

A lot of people are saying I am wasting my time liking you, but you are a great friend and if that's all we will ever be then I am fully ok with that. People say your using me and leading me on but I fully disagree with them, as we have discussed before. Usually by now I would given up and tried to move on, but theres something there that's giving me that slither of hope, something keeping me drawn towards you and I can't put my finger on what it is. 

I know you'll never read this, but I want to say it to you, I want you to know how I truly feel, but part of me is scared that it would freak you out or push you away, but part of me thinks that wouldn't happen, but I don't want to risk loosing you as a friend.

I haven't felt this strongly about someone in a long time, and last time it didn't end well, so I hope we don't end up the same way as that. 

One day maybe in a few years you'll read this, but by then it probably won't mean anything. It may not mean anything 3 months from now. 

Only time will tell.

Update

My life currently, is shit. 

I constantly feel shit, have massive mood swings and waves of depression anger sadness and happiness, and i don't know why. 

I have much to sort at work but I'm not in the correct mental state to do it. 

I hate love and relationships, it just messes life up constantly. 

I like someone, they, more than likely, do not like me back. (Nothing unusual there) I told her the other week I like her, that was a big mistake, it was awkward for a few days and then we started snapchatting more and talking more and we even had a 2hr conversation on night before leaving work. I really don't know where I stand with her. It was only until earlier today that I found something out that I didn't want to know. You can probably guess what...

So since I found that out I've been feeling rather sick both mentally and physically, the last two days I haven't been well and feeling about under the weather but this hasn't helped. 

The bit that annoys me the most is the fact I get so wound up about it. Currently, I'm not interested in getting into a relationship, and I don't see me doing in the near future. So all in all, I'm a fucking idiot. 

I have no idea what to do. I just want companionship I think, but again, I don't know, I want to be with her but I'm too busy at the moment for s relationship as I'm scared of loosing her if we were to  enter into a relationship.

I feel like I can't talk to people about it because they don't understand my situation and how I feel, so I try and keep it all bottled in but that always ends badly, I just don't know. I want to be able to sleep and wake up in the morning feeling happy and refreshed. 

Ha. 

Like that's going to happen. 

March

Sometimes I don't know why I bother, I make the effort and it is very rarely returned. I'm getting sick and tired of being used and spoken to only when people want something. I do people favours that are never returned and sometimes not even thanked. My so called "friends" go behind my back and when I tell them something that they say they won't tell anyone about they go and fecking tell the person it's about. 

I seriously don't know why I bother. 

Currently I feel like shit and there's nothing I can really do about it. I like someone, more so than I thought I would but I don't see any point as I'm making an effort and there's nothing being returned. My friend has gone and told the person I like them and someone else has guessed I like them through Twitter....there's nothing even on Twitter!!!

I'm just fed up of everything right now and I just want to sleep but I can't because of the bloody show and loads of other shit that's running through my mind...

To make it worse, I'm currently hating work due to one idiot person but also enjoying because of another. 

Nothing is going right for me at the moment and I'm constantly feeling like shit. So yeah, happy March everyone. 

Mentality

Jealousy.

It's never good. Always bad.

Feelings.

Sometimes good. Often bad. 

I get jealous far too easy and I don't know why, and I feel pathetic and crap right now...

I just don't understand why I get so jealous, for instance, one of my friends is snapchatting and talking to a rather attractive girl and I'm jealous. Now, the thing is I don't understand why, because, she has a boyfriend, and I know nothing would happen between her and myself so why should I be jealous?

It's because of this that I feel pathetic. I've been feeling this slot lately, and it's beginning it make me rather stressed. 

And to add to all this lovely stuff, I don't like being left out as I am an extremely nosey prick. And I hate it so much.

Giving Up

It's tough giving up.

No matter what it is. Be it a bad habit such as smoking or gambling or drugs, or giving up being lazy and everything like that. 

What also is though, is giving up on a person. 

I never thought the day would come when I needed to try to do this, but things in my life have become so stressful and I can't cope with some of it, so there's one or two people I need to give up on. 

The main one, is going to be hard. It's someone I like. No, really like...

She is amazing, well, she appeared to be, and kind and nice too. But now, I'm not sure...

One thing I hate more than anything is when people "play" others. Sweeten them up and then drop them when they are not of use...what's worse, is when im being played. 

I believe I'm being played by her, I think she knows I like her and is taking the puss out of me, but also using me to get what she wants. It's tough trying to give up liking her and move on, many times I wish I could just switch off my feelings all together and just be single for as long as I need to be, which at this rate will be forever. 

Now, I could be over exaggerating about this...she may actually like me...but that's highly doubtful as, well, it's me for a start, no one with sense would pick me over what they have currently...

Well that was my attempt to finish on a happy note...obviously that didn't work out well for me, like most things in my then eh? 

Good night everyone.

Welcome...to 2015

Happy new year!

So....I go back to work today...really not looking forward to that...

Also, this weekend has been an interesting one...it's made me feel like a shit friend...

One of my mates split with his girlfriend and we were in a van and he'd been upset before we set off but I didn't say anything and felt so so so guilty, but I didn't know what to say so I feel shit...

Works going to be fun because I found out something which is rather awkward involving some people within the place, and I just don't feel ready to go back after the break, but there's some aspects of it that make me want to go back....

So all in all....

It's going to be a bumpy ride!!!