I don't know what to put as a title to be honest!

Have you ever fallen in love, and, kinda wished you weren't?

Like not because of who you're in love with

But because of your lifestyle?

I have.


When ever I like some one I always think its great at first but then I start to doubt it all and over think everything and then I think no I won't tell her because she won't like me back

Well I really want to tell the girl I like that I like her

But I don't want to loose her as a friend


Like if she saw this post and it explained it all to her or maybe one of the other posts that I've written about her

But I really want to be with her, but I know that because of my line of work I won't get to see her often and I don't want to put her through that, not that she'd want to be with me in the first place


It's really bugging me, it makes me feel sick

I really like her

And I want to tell her, but I don't want to loose her because of it

I suppose some one could tell her for me, but thats cowardly

Maybe someone could drop a hint?

Or I could find out what she thinks of me from one of her friends


Meh

I hate sterotypes

I hate them

A lot

I hate sexism

I hate people who think its ok to think that a woman or female is there purely for there desires and wants

I hate them all




What I want to do?

Well, (probably completely irrelevant to this post) I want to take a girl, (one I like) out for a nice meal at a nice resturant, dressed nicely, for an occasion (her birthday) or just for a meal out on a friday, and then go for a night time drive and go somewhere we could sit and talk and look at the stars (or clouds, weather depending) and then in the end of it all take her back home, wish her a good night and go home. Go home knowing she had an amazing night she will never forget and that, that's the sort of thing that makes me happy.

Knowing that I've made someone else happy and that I've not gained anything from it other than there friendship.

So yeah,

I hate sexism

I hate it when...

Wanna know what I really dislike?

When someone says;

"Aww you two would make a great couple"

Or;

"Any girl would be luck to have you"

It really annoys me, because if we would make a great couple, we would be a couple, and if some one says that a girl would be lucky to have me then why the hell don't I have a girl to have me?

Life is a bitch

It's a whore

It takes things away from you that you love

And throws you on the ground. 

People say;

Follow your heart

Well I say, don't follow your heart because it just leads to disappoint mount and heartache. It isn't nice. Your heart wants that lovely girl you see with the pretty face and lovely blonde hair and her amazing personality, well your brain should say "whoa don't you dare get thoughts about her unless you know she likes you or you have a chance"

I just want you

No one else

Just us

On the beach having a picnic maybe

Or watching the stars

A nice night time drive

A walk in a park

Day at the lake

Something. 

Just you. 

And me. 

I'm sorry. 

What I need to say

Hello,

Part of me really doesn't want you to be reading this, but part of me does, because I want to know if you feel the same way I feel towards you, but I know that in doing so, our friendship will either go one of two ways. It'll either blossom into a lovely relationship or it'll disintegrate into nothingness, and I hope it doesn't disintegrate. You probably already know what I'm going to say next, about how much I like you and how long I have etc etc, and well, I will, but first I want to describe you, because I may as well try and make you smile if it's the last message I'll be sending you as a friend. 

You, are amazing. Brilliant. Kind. Loving. Beautiful. Caring. Lovely. Nice. Cute. Pretty. Funny. And loads more.

You are the only girl I've liked that I've been able to talk to casually and not panic or screw it up, and that's one of the many things I like about you. 

So yeah, I really like you, and well, I have since June/July-ish, and I hope that because of this message I don't loose you as a friend, because even if you don't want to be with me then that's fine, we can still be friends and I hope we do. 

I remember that time, I was about to go to bed and you sent me a text at about midnight because you were upset and didn't know what to do, and every night since then I have had my phone on loud during the night, because when I say I'm there for you I literally mean it. 

So yeah, please don't hate me?

The Little things

The little things in life make the biggest difference. Don't they?

Whether it's a Thank You for holding the door, or a smile in the corridor, or even just a Morning while passing.

But, the little things that aren't so good also make the biggest difference.

A change in a pattern.

The way someone behaves.

The way people are around you.

When one of them changes even in the slightest, I can tell. I know when someone starts behaving differently around me, I notice the little hello's and the thank you's, but most of all, I notice changes in patterns.

It's horrible, don't pay attention to them, because it's great when its positive changes, but when they start going downhill, that's when you wish you could stop but you cant.

"Thank you for being an amazing techie!"

Doesn't it feel nice to belong?

To feel like your wanted?

To feel like the work you do is appreciated?

It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does it feels great, because most people don't care.

But some do. 

Fuck off world

Do you ever just think 'Fuck off world' and feel all sad and shit and stuff like that?

I do.

Right now too as a matter of fact.

I just, I just can't be assed with anything.

No sleeping.

No social interaction.

I know what I want to do right now.

I want to drive on my own to beacon fell, park at the centre place thingy, and just stand there, looking over the city at night and seeing how pretty all the lights look.

I'd like that.

But no, I cant

Because I don't have a car

Or a full licence

But if I did, I would do that.

I just want to cuddle

With someone I care for and who cares for me.

But that wont happen, because no one does.

I'd like to take that person to beacon fell with me, and have a picnic, right now.

Even though its quarter past nine.

I want to do it.

But I can't.


In the past I've managed to not care or anything, but now I can't. I do care, I want to be able to take a night time stroll with someone, keep them warm if they got cold, go on a night time drive somewhere, just an adventure.

The two of us.

Just the two of us.

I dont know what to do.

My mind is all confused.

No one cares.

People say they do,

But never really show it.


'Your my best friend and I couldn't live without you!' said someone once.

I call bullshit.

Your still alive, and Im not your best friend. You've replaced me.


It's a horrible feeling is that, knowing you've been replaced.

Kind of like jealousy

But it's not

Because it's...

well its just not jealousy.

It's replacement.


So right now I have a text on my phone and a Facebook message. But I have no intention of replying because I can't be bothered replying. I know, Im so nice aren't I?

The people are ok. They don't need my help. Therefore it's not necessary to respond, despite the face I started the conversation.

I just want to walk around the park, take a lesuirely stroll around the docks maybe, but not on my own. Or maybe on my own, but I don't have the energy to.

So basically,

Fuck off world. I'll reply tomorrow. I have to go cry or something pathetic like that. Be all depressed alone because no one really cares. If they did, they'd show it. Make me feel it.

But no.

I'm not important like that.

I'm only here when they need something.

So yeah.

Bye.

Relationships

I miss being in a relationship. 

I want to be in a relationship. 

I probably (most definitely) wont be in a relationship. 

If I was, I'd want to be able to;

Cuddle.

Be with that person. 

Not have many arguments. 

Both of us be happy. 

Someone who is busy like I am soit isn't   unfair on them as I'm always busy.

Hugs. 

Kisses. 

And just that generally cute shit. 

Most people I know are in a relationship and then there's just me sat there chilling on my lonesome while they're being all cute and shit and eurgh.

The person I like isn't texting me back, and I'm thinking of giving up liking her because that way it stops me getting jealous and I'm sure she'd be happier without me. 

I know I always say to people;

"Never give up"

And I always think of a quote by Winston Churchill;

"If you're going through hell keep going"

But. I can't. I mentally can't keep doing this day in, day out. 

It makes me upset. 

I always over think. 

I get worked up or make silly presumptions. 

When in reality;

It's not meant to be. 

And on another note;

Finding out something about the person you liked for ages that just makes you think

"Well. Shit"

That's horrible. Even heartbreaking. 

I don't know what to do anymore. 

I can't talk to anyone about it because I know what they'll say.

They'll say "shit happens and life's a bitch and you'll just have to get over it"

Which is entirely correct. 

But. 

I can't do it. 

I just want a relationship. 

A happy one. 

Not many arguments. 

Actually enjoying her company. 

Having fun with her. 

Being able to go to work and not have her complain like my ex ALWAYS did. 

Someone understanding. 

Lovely. 

Kind. 

It's so much to ask for. 

And that's why I'm not going to. 

I don't know what I'm going to do. 

But it's easier to smile and say "I'm okay"

That admit your a pile of shit and emotionally compromised. 

Life's great. Isn't it?

Hmm

Oh who am I kidding?

I should just give up completely, it'd be a lot easier. 

But, the easy way isn't the way I usually choose. But there's a first for everything 

Why are feelings so annoying?

Recently my feelings have been all over the place and right now I know who I like and it's all manageable but I just keep getting jealous and want to see the girl who I like and I want to tell her I like her because you know, I do, but I don't want to alienate her, and I know I've said this several times on here so if anyone Dow actually read my blog sorry (and thank you for reading it!) but yeah, feelings are so annoying. 

Blergh

Just an average rant

Right now I have so much on my mind but it's simply petty stuff so I don't want to rant to people about it because they have other things going on and stuff so HELLO BLOG!

All my feelings for someone all came back at once and now I really miss her and I was crying as I walked home because of it and the worst bit is I know she doesn't like me how I like her and I know she never will and yet in my head I can actually vividly see a future of me and her together, and just knowing that it won't happen just kills me inside.

But I also like another girl, but my friendship with her is a proper one, if you get me? Like I was walking down the drive with her once and it took us about 2 minutes at most? And in that time we had a decent conversation and it flowed and it didn't get awkward and I made her laugh and she made me laugh and it was great, but I don't get that with the other girl, but to me I think she's beautiful and amazing and really funny and cute and I'd just love to be in a relationship with her. 

I'd like that with them both, but with only one of course. 

But one thing that's been on my mind recently is what if I only still like the first one because I have for 5 years and it's just natural for me, which is horrible because that isn't fair on her. 

If anyone actually reads this your probably thinking 'JUST TELL THEM BOTH AND SEE WHAT THEY SAY' and in all honesty, I am highly tempted in doing just that. And then probably regret it and cry. Yey

Duties will include:

"• Unsociable hours with evening and weekend work" (copied from my job description)

Well that's fine by me! Because I don't have a social life...

But the only problem is that I hardly get time to see people I like, well I say this going off what happened with my ex but I didn't really want to see her but if I was in a proper relationship I'd want to see my girlfriend so I'd make time and see her whenever I could, so yeah, problem solved 

Decisions

So I like someone, and she's the only girl I've ever liked and been able to talk to perfectly fine, and that makes me wonder why.

Lately I've been thinking of telling her that I like her, but I don't want to loose a great friend, and it's just so annoying how I want to tell her but can't, so I don't know what to do. 

Tell her and risk loosing her. 

Or,

Don't tell her and risk not getting her. 

Why is life such a bitch?

Things like this happen to loads of people but then again I know loads of people who can pretty much go up to a girl, say hi, and then the next minute there in a relationship. Why isn't there anyone who I can go out with?

Yes ok I had a girlfriend once but she was/still is a physcopath freak, completely messed in the head, but that's not the point, it wasted 5 and Half months of my life...

So yeah, I just want to go out with the one I like but I know I can't, won't be able to because she doesn't like me the way I like her. 

Eurgh

Eurgh Asdfghjkl merr eurgh I just want to be in a relationship. With you. 

What I want to say

Your beautiful

Amazing

Awesome

Kind

Caring

Lovely

Loving

Trustable

Fun to hang around with

Easy to talk to

And loads of other brilliant things

You're the only girl I can talk to who I like without feeling awkward, you're the girl who I'd just love to cuddle with, you're the one on my mind

You think it's someone else but it's you. 

I'd never cheat nor make you feel unloved. I'd come and see you at 3am if you were upset. 

You texted me at midnight once just as I was going to bed and you were upset and confused and I was glad you turned to me because no one else ever does, and since then I've slept with my phone on nearly full volume, waiting for your text. 

To put it simply, I'd really like to go out with you, but Im scared to ask you out incase you say no and I lose a great friend

Eurgh people

So this post is about something that really annoys me. 

Say there's a group of people, all friends, but most of them don't like one of them because all that one does is seem to just copy the others, and they don't like that.

Maybe that one just happens to like the same stuff as the others but only after they've been introduce to it?

Maybe, they chose that colour for their dress because it's her FAVOURITE COLOUR and not because she copied you, it just so happened to be that you mentioned your dress was that colour before she told anyone. 

It's things like that that annoy me, a whole 'group of friends' that practically hate each other but love each other at the  same time. 

But in the end all it comes down to is not knowing the full story. Because the one they don't like is actually a really great person with a great personality and is fun to be around, so if you read this and know I'm on about you, don't let them put you down, ever.

Okay?

That one memory

Everyone has that one memory that they will never forget and always remember. Your lying if you don't. The most happiest time of your life, yes it may change, but you will always have one. 

I didn't expect last night to be as good as it was but I suppose there's one thing that I didn't like.

Lets say you hear someone say something, something that your good at or something, like a caring person or a good artist, they say they want someone who's caring or they say they want a good artist, and you think 'ooh that's me' and you know it's you because people have called you it before, but you don't have the courage to say to that person your a good artist or a caring person, so you just stay there and start to over think and then you get all worked up about it and you just want to leave or cry and anything. 

It's not very nice. 

Aren't people confusing?

Surely it's not just me that thinks people are so confusing, because even I confuse my self. 

But, with me I think I just miss being in a relationship and have just become a bit desperate so that makes sense now with me. 

But anyway people are so confusing, you say one thing and mean another, someone tells you some thing like your crush likes you back but you don't believe them so you have a dilemma, trust your friend and ask your crush out and it all work out fine, ignore your friend and stay single, or the worst one, believe your friend and ask your crush out, and she/he rejects you and now knows you like them so ignores you for the foreseeable future. 

It's a tough one. 

Asdfghjkl

You know when you like someone so much and you feel sick when other people are closer to them than you or they're flirting with them? 

It's horrible isn't it. 

You just feel sick and get jealous  

But. 

It's worse when your in love with someone, and you find out that or see them getting off with someone, you just go all light headed and feel like collapsing there and then and then you start feeling sick, and all you can do is stand there and just say;

"Ok"

It's truly one of the worst feelings in the world. Yes, they were drunk. Yes, it didn't mean anything. But, it's not the point. It still hurts, it still gets to you, it makes you think, "that should be me"

One day, everything will be alright. 

Maybe?

Hopefully?

Probably not. 

This is for you

Hello you

I know you've not been feeling too good recently and I've been talking to you and trying to cheer you up but I've done a crap job at it. I know you'll pull through fine, I know you probably will never read this, but because I've been texting you more recently my feelings towards you have increased. 

I suppose I do kind of like you, but I know you don't like me the way I like you, and even if you did, I couldn't put you through the pain of being in a relationship with me. If we could just lie some where and cuddle for a while that would suit me fine, I know I'm friend zoned by you and pretty much everyone else I talk to, but I just wish I could make you happy. 

I've seen your tweets, you say you can't see your self in a relationship anymore, well I can, because truth be told you are one of the most (if not the most) beautiful girl I know. You always look so happy and bubbly and you are so nice and lovely to talk to, and I think that's what made me fall for you. 

You haven't been replying recently and it's made me panic and think I've annoyed you, I don't want to stop talking to you because your a great friend, but this seems to always happen to me, I just wish I could talk to you in person but I won't see you for a while, so I'll stop texting you and annoying you, but I just want you to know I will always be here for you, no matter what time it is, where I am, or how we are, you are important to me and I will make time for you. 

I hope you feel better soon, because it kills me inside knowing your upset, but your strong so keep going and hang on in there. 

If you saw this post you'd probably never speak to me again, and that would pain me so much, but if it meant you were happier without me, then I can live with that, if there is anything I can do to help you, please tell me, I'll do anything to try and help you

Good luck beautiful, you'll do fine

Oh Hello You!

Hello Blogging world!!

I've not posted anything ages, that because of my stupid exams, but now there all gone yey!

But now it's an end of an era, no more school, on to college and future life. I don't want to leave, because I've met so merrily inspirational people and to be honest I'm scared of loosing them, especially ones who mean something to me. 

There's some people who I'll quite happily see the back of and others who I couldn't face loosing at this point in life. I don't know what I'm trying to say here but what I want to say is this;

I like someone

And I love someone

Because the person I've loved I have for 5 years, this means that who I like, I can't go out with, not that I have any chance with them what so ever, but because I wouldn't allow them to have to suffer with the constant fear of having to compete or getting jealous because I talk to loads of girls all the time.

The girl I like at the moment, she's bloody brilliant. She's got an awesome personality, always lovely and bubbly and she'll put a smile on anyone's face and brighten everyone's day. She's beautiful, fit, kind, caring and understanding. She's just great, but every rose has its thorn, and although she's always happy, there are times when she's sad, and that's the worst thing to see, the person you like, crying her eyes out or upset over something, but the worst bit is when you can't actually do anything about it, you can't help them, you can only sit and watch. 

You see, the girl I like, she trusts me with stuff and knows I'm always here for her, but that's what I'm scared of loosing. I couldn't face not being able to help her or be the one for her to talk to, she's just so great. 

Generally, I just wish I could be there with her when she's upset and actually give her a hug or hold her tight when she's upset, and one day I hope I will. I want her to be able to text or ring me in the middle of the night and for me to simply reply or say "I'm on my way" to me that's what I'd love, just being there to comfort and console her.

But life isn't nice like that usually

But there's no harm in trying right?

That horrible feeling...

You know when you read or see or hear something? And you just don't know what to think, and you feel like you've been stabbed and you feel sick and you just wish you didn't hear/see/read the thing?

It's a horrible feeling, and your mind goes blank and eurgh it's just so horrible

So yeah...that's that.

Horrible

Giving up

You shouldn't really give up on anything. You keep trying and trying until it either works, or you let it go. But never give up.

I tell myself this a lot but sometimes, like now, it just doesn't work. I don't want to give up on you, but you've been ignoring me for the past week and a half and I don't know why, well I do, it's because I like you. 

This always happens when someone finds out, and to be truthful, it's such a horrific feeling. It makes you feel so bad because someone, a good friend, just completely stop talking to you all because you like them? It just fills you with doubt and makes you think what's wrong with me? Is my looks? The way I act? My appearance? 

You just don't know. And it's horrible. 

But there's usually a light at the end of a tunnel, when they find out you like someone else, they suddenly begin talking to you. Is it because there jealous of the other person? Or is it because they know you don't have feelings for them anymore...

This is one of many things in life that is just awful to hear

Tips

1) learn from your mistakes

2) listen to yourbest friend 

3) don't tell anyone apart from your best friend who you like

4) don't tell the person you like you like them unless you know they feel the same way

5) don't think about situations

6) just go with the flow

Out of these 6, I have followed only one! (Number 4)

I learnt the hard way. Twice. 

So apparently someone told the person I like that I like them, which if true means I've lost 2 really good friends in the space of one school term. How delightful. 

I think it's too much effort trying to deny it if confronted, so if she says anything I'm just going to say 'yes I do like you' and then I would have broken tip number 4! Lucky me.

I over think too much. Far far too much. I was on the bus today and it wasn't that bad and I sat there watching everything as I do and looking at people's body language taking everything in and spotted a 'micro-expression' (nasty little buggers they are) now for those who don't know what a micro-expression is it's when someone's facial expressions mess up for a fraction of a second (around 1/25th of a second roughly) so you only see it subconsciously, which I did, and a micro-expression is usually a little smirk, or the persons true feelings, but it's so quick that you don't notice unless you've trained yourself to see them. So I spotted a micro-expression and only realised before when I thought about it so naturally I'm led here now thinking what caused it and all this other nonsense, even though it's easier if I just disregard it. 

So my next challenge comes in the morning! Trying to spot more micro-expressions and reading more body language.

Oh and my exams start on Tuesday! Lovely.

Don't rush.

If you have something, why rush it? Take it slow. At a steady pace. Don't force anything, only suggest.

"What have you got to loose?"

Well an excellent friend that's what I've got to loose. So yeah. No rushing.

I don't get it

I don't get it. I'm stood here. Across the room, your stood there, I don't like you anymore but I still feel awkward. We make awkward eye contact. Why?

Some one explain it?

To be truthful

To be honest, I feel quite ashamed the way I've just gone from person to another, it was rather unexpected to tell the truth.

I'd been thinking about for some time and then something happened and it was awkward and upsetting and then I had a dream and BOOM it was her who I now like...so yeah...a bit shameful in my mind.

But I suppose that's life really and things happen and change quickly so I suppose I should just get on with it to be perfectly honest.

Things change.

It's been a while since I posted something, but it's amazing how much things can change in so little time.

Because basically my last post is completely irrelevant because of a little event involving a letter, which changed the course of things completely.

It's things like these that you least expect because that's what makes things change for either the better or the worst.

But another thing that you'll learn in something like this is that you never really appreciate what you have until it's gone, such as a friend, they may not be a big part of your life but when they go, it'll feel extremely different.

It won't make sense but as someone once said, as one door closes another opens, but sometimes one closes and another doesn't open.

I need to know.

Why did you run?
Why did you hide?

It felt horrible.

I turned around and saw you. Your friend asked me a question and I answered her. I turned around to talk to the teacher and when the bell went and I turned to go, I noticed you had gone.
I went through the doors. You were on the stairs. I saw you and we made eye contact briefly. I looked away and tried not to look at you. You ran up the stairs. But I saw you turn and go. I nearly collapsed. I felt awful. I didn't know what to do. I just ran. I ran down the corridor and slammed the door open. I nearly cried and collapsed but I carried on.

When I got to the lesson I'd calmed my self down. I expected you to be alread there because I tried to convince my self you'd ran to go to the lesson. But you weren't there. I nearly cried again. I sat there. Watching the door. Waiting for you to come rushing in because you ran away. Then 5 minutes later you casually walked in. I died inside. You did run away. All throughout that lesson I couldn't look at you. I sat in silence for an hour. I did my work. Then at lunch I went and I cried. I cried. I never though I would but I did. On my own. In the cold. It was horrible. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell anyone because they'd call me pathetic. So I just stood there. Stood there and thought.

Why did you run?

Please tell me?

I miss talking to you

I'm so sorry

I wish I didn't feel the way I feel about you because I know how you feel about relationships and I know you.

In London I tried to distract my self. I stayed in front of you or far behind. I tired not to talk to you. But it didn't work. I could still hear you above everyone else. It was so painful. But you were enjoying your self. So I was glad. But I will say this. I hated London because of that. I hated the fact that where ever I went. I could hear you. Above everything else. I just wanted to walk away from the group. Walk the streets of our magnificent capital. Go on the tube where ever. I couldn't care. But then when we did speak, it was like there was nothing different. That was the worst bit.

I don't care anymore. Everyone knows I like you. You do, your friends do, my friends do, and yet I still try and keep it secret.

If you read this you'll probably call me a creep or something. You do that. Do what you want. Because I don't care anymore. I feel like I've lost you, I feel sorry for my friends when I just complain and whine to them about everything, I know I shouldn't but I don't want to like you, I'm sorry.

I just wish I knew what you felt.

I just want a chat.

Is it too much to ask?

Jealousy...and love

The feeling of jealousy is horrific.
It affects each and everyone one of us.

It could be about an object.
A person.
A status.
Wealth.
Position.
Attitude.
Looks.
Confidence.
And anything and everything else.

Love and jealousy are two things that go together extremely well.

You begin to like a person, you fall in love. They're all you can think about. You can pick them out in a crowd.
And then you start noticing.
You notice how she talks to him more than you. You notice how close they are. It seems to you like they're getting closer. It makes your feel sick. It makes you want to cry. Want to run away and never come back.
Then you try to stop loving that person. That beautiful, amazing person, and it just won't happen. No matter how hard you try. No matter what. And even if you do manage to stop, he still annoys you because at the end of the day, he's still closer to her than you.
The worst part is when he's your best friend. You go home and you cry. Because he's your best friend and you feel like you hate him because he's so close to her and your so far away.
It used to be the other way round.
He liked her.
I was the one that was close.
And then when you think about that, it just makes you feel so upset. So angry.
Because to you, to you she is the true definition of perfection. You love her with all your heart and you feel sick at the thought of loosing her.
But you know it will never be.
You won't get her.
And yet you still can't stop loving her.

You talk to your other friends about it. But it's usually no hope. You think you've become bi-polar because you can go from extremely happy to extremely upset or angry in a click.
But your not.
You are in love.

It feels like a curse sometimes.

And there's no cure.


Except for her.
She's the cure.
She can end your pain.

But, how many times does that happen?

Hardly ever.


I can relate so much to this post, not just because I wrote it all, but because this is one of true feeling. It's a story. A story about my love for someone. Everyone who knows who I am knows who she is. I truly feel like I have a curse. And yes, he is one of the few people I call my best friends but yet he angers me so much. I'm sure alot of people can relate to this, and I can't even believe it but I'm led here in bed and crying over all of this. I know she knows I like her, I don't know how, but I know she knows. And when the person you like finds out you like them, well that's the end. They usually stop talking to you. It becomes mega awkward and you'll be sat in a class that there in, even on the same table. And you can't look at them. You feel so sick and want to cry. And then worst thing happens. One tear. Just one. Out of the corner of your eye. Just one little swine that you blink out. And you watch it in slow motion as it falls and lands on your book. And then you look up at her. And she's watching you. You make eye contact ad she quickly looks away. You just want to die. You over think everything. And then you have a hot fluster and feel so faint and just want to curl up. This is the horrible truth of what happens when your in love.

To all the people who read this, I'm sorry. It just all came out as I wrote it.

Thinking

Thinking is dangerous.

Especially if you over think.

Take this for instance;

Someone says something. You immediately think, 'what do they mean by that?' You quickly think of lots of different things that it could mean. You begin to panic. 'What if it means.....' 'What if it's that...' Your breathing increases. Your hands get a bit sweaty. You have no idea what to do. And then it all ends. You reply. Say something back. And then there's nothing. You panic again. 'What if I was wrong?' 'What if they meant the other thing' 'oh no' You have no idea what's going on. Your head goes into over drive. And then all of a sudden. They reply again. You were right. What a feeling. But then they ask you a question. It's a serious one. And it all starts again...

This is what I go through most days. I over think so much and trust me, it isn't nice. Thinking of everything something can mean and panicking incase it's this or that. You have no one to tell because it's all in your mind. You work your self up for no reason. It's horrible. You don't know what's right, what's wrong. You don't know what to think. And then in the end, it turns out that 'Hey' sometimes just means 'Hey'

It's a horrible thing is thinking. It's bad for people. But we all do it without realising.

And that's the worst part.

How many things do you take for granted?

Mobile.
Internet.
Warmth.
Friends.
School.
Food.
Time.

How many of these have you taken for granted? I know I have with a few.

Your mobile. You use it everyday. Keeping in contact with your friends, family and others. You use it where ever. When ever. And you even have the Internet on it.
You go on holiday, you take your phone. You leave the country, you take your phone. You complain your phone is rubbish. Not the latest or best one. But then as soon as it breaks or stops working, you realise how much you depend on it. It's like the whole world has left you. No texts. No calls. No Internet. Nothing.

Having a warm home. Your heating works. Everything's fine. You complain when it's cold so your parents or who ever puts the heating and hey pesto your warm. But when it breaks, it's horrific.

Your friends. You treat them horribly sometimes and they stay. But occasionally they won't, so just think, don't upset them too much, they may just not come back.

School. Everyone hates it. But as soon as you leave you'll miss it like your phone. You'll want to go back. You say now you won't, but you will, just wait.

You have food at home. But just imagine if you didn't. There are people near you and all over the world that will have a home, but no food. Some won't have either.

And finally, time. You complain you don't have enough time to do things. Not enough time to do your homework or revise. But just look back over a week and see how much time you actually wasted. What could you change and swap for doing homework or revision in?

It just goes to show that when you think about it, we all take a lot of things for granted.

So just take a minute out to think and see just exactly how lucky you really are.

Work

People used to ask me how I didn't get bored doing what I do. But it's rather simple really.

Nothing is ever the same.

Everything is different.

A new challenge.

A new difficulty.

And it's always down to the people you work with. You'd call them your friends, but your 16 and they're 23(ish) and 30-something, but you always have a good laugh. Maybe at one another. Maybe at someone else.

And let me tell you this, finishing work at 2am is not late, it's ridiculously early.

But remember, it's not what your job is, or what you have to do, it's who you work with.

Panic

You have a deadline to meet.
Maybe it's an essay.
Project.
Work.
Food.
Or getting somewhere.

Everything's fine at first. You just do what you have to do to get it done, but then the deadline soon approaches and it gets quicker and quicker and then you begin to panic.
You begin rushing and panicking about everything you have to do, but then soon after, you go into a state of calm, you become completely relaxed and begin working at a steady speed again, because you know that you won't finish on time, and that it'll be done when it's done.

I'm in that calm state, I have no deadline, but I know that the feelings I feel are uncontrollable (mostly) and that what ever happens happens, and if something's supposed to happen it will.

One day. Hopefully.

People

I suppose it hurts a lot, when someone complains that they want some one, a friend, maybe more, who would be nice and all that stuff they want, and you know for a fact that that's you, and it is you for some time, but then they just stop. For no reason. No texts. No messages. Nothing. It's like loosing a best friend.

You panic at first. Then, you blame your self. You don't know what to do. Do you text them? Or do you think that'd annoy them. Do you leave it? Or are they testing you?

So many decisions, each one with a different ending and outcome.

Do you message them? Tell them how you feel? Or do you leave it incase it pushes them away?

Your not on talking terms so what've you got to loose? You have plenty to loose. Because you don't know what they're thinking or feeling. They could just be busy a lot and have forgotten about you. They may just not want to talk, maybe they will in a few days. Or maybe your just over reacting the whole thing and there's nothing to worry about.

The worst bit is you can't get someone to ask them, because that means you want to know, you just have to sit. Wait. And hope for the best.

It's a living hell, but as Winston Churchill once said;

"When your going through hell, keep going"

The marvellous art of post writing and title making

I always begin writing a post about what ever is on my mind, so like now for instance, I'm thinking about making a post.

But what do you write about?

You being thinking 'ooh that's interesting I'll do that' and you plan it out in your head and then you think 'nah it's awful' so you keep thinking about it and planning it and then you go to write it.

And then that's it.

"Title"

Panic. "What can I call it?" "It has to be good" "significant" "witty" "relatable"

Well I'll tell you this, leave the title until last. Chances are you'll go off topic more than once if you begin writing and stop thinking, rather like this post right now,

The way I do it is I pic a topic and begin writing what ever comes into my head about it, that's why most of my posts start in lists. Then I develop it and tie them all together around one subject, and then when I'm done, I read through it and create a relevant post title.

It's quite tricky at firsts but hey, so are most things!

Blogs

Blogs are amazing.
Don't you think so?
I began this blog to vent my feeling and ramble on to the virtual world about different stuff and other crap, and even though I've had it for less than 6 hours, I feel so much better already, like a load has been lifted off my shoulders.

It's like when you have something bugging you, so you tell your best friend, or someone else you can trust, and then you feel a bit better, well this is a lot like that, plus it's there for everyone to read and understand and you can give advice of you wanted to, but no one knows who you are, unless you tell them of course.

Thank you blogs!

Hmm

Do you ever wish for something?
Ever really want something?
The latest phone.
The latest computer.
The best designer clothes.

What about wanting these;
Food.
Warmth.
Family.
Money to buy the bare essentials.
Happiness.

Most people don't have to wish for the second list of things, most people have these readily available, they have a house, filled with family, filled with food and love and compassion. Enough money to survive, maybe some for some little extras, maybe enough for a holiday.
But don't forget, everywhere you go, there are people that will wish, pray, and depend on that second list of items. They don't even have time to think of even getting a rubbish phone to just stay in contact with loved ones. Because they have nothing.

Just be greatful for what you have, because others have nothing. Even I forget how lucky I am sometimes, but then I remember or even see someone homeless and it fills me with dread, fear, upset.

You never know what you have until you have nothing.

Me

I hate myself sometimes.
Not because I'm ugly or because of my body, I couldn't care less about that crap, but I hate my self because I'm here whining and complaining about life on here, when there are people, people I know, people you know, people you don't know, who are in far worse situations.
Maybe homeless, parentless, have medical problems, emotional problems, trust issues, friendship issues and a lot more, so I just want to take this post to say;
I am sorry for how I am, how I think, how I complain, and you are my hero, whoever you are, anyone, everyone, in a worse situation that I am, I salute you, because you still get on with everything, as tough as it may be, and you still always put a smile on and pretend everything's ok, even if it's just to give yourself confidence. You are all amazing and so brave.

I have a terrible temper, a short fuse. It's worse than it use to be. Now I just want to cry alot

I'm really annoying

Life

Life is annoying.
Life is surprising.
Nice.
Good.
Bad.
Terrific.
Terrifying.
Upsetting.
Happy.
Sad.
Love.
Loss.
Gain.
Pain.
And everything else you can think of.

But life is also what you make of it.

Ever wonder what life would have been like if something didn't happen? Say you didn't meet your best friend, imagine everything you've ever done and been through, completely irrelevant if you didn't meet.

As in doctor who with the leaf
"This leaf is the most important leaf in human history"
I liked that episode it was very meaningful and emotional

But what we don't realise is that we control our life, if you don't like something, try and change it, but he warned, once you do something it can't be undone. If a door closes, try and open it again, but dot get arrested.

You see in life it doesn't matter what's happened, well it does, but it also matter about what you do next, because you always have a choice. Yes. No. Maybe. Or what ever the hell else you choose. So just remember the next time your having a deep and meaningful thought conversation with yourself about life, it's what you make of it.

It's always my fault.
I make myself feel like this.
I know I should stop.
But I just cant.

Do you ever wonder what it's like to see yourself from someone else's point of view? Think what they think? Know what they know?

Love is a curse!

Hello

Hello everybody! My blog will literally be full of depressing stuff so if you don't like it don't view it! I'm just going to rant about things and tell you all my feelings. That's what blogs are for aren't they?